In February, I missed my internal deadline for wrapping up the book I'm writing for the kids. It needs to be complete before Kelpie's 13th birthday, and I need time to go through the many revisions.
Despite missing this deadline, I ended Februrary with a renewed sense of general optimism. Hopefully it's not unfounded. Then March came.
March 1: I began the next month -- March, named after Mars, the God of War -- by turning down a job offer that felt like it would lead to more instability. This was actually a bit of a risk because it kept the old course alive, but it was also a step that acknowledged the potential for a promising new chapter in life.
March 4: The following Saturday, my son, Kelpie, was in a collision-turned-pileup on the soccer field. He insisted he was fine and played several minutes, but ran with a contorted arm and a wince on his face. We pulled him from the game and took him to the ER, where X-rays showed a broken ulna. He wore a splint until the swelling had reduced enough that he could see the orthopedic surgeon, which was on the following Thursday. The next Friday morning (March 10), Kelpie had surgery to screw a plate in his arm. He was in pain for the next 48 hours.
March 12: As Kelpie's pain began to subside, more followed. At 12:30 AM on Sunday morning, Spouse's sister, a constable, was pinned between her car and a car she had pulled over after a chronic drunk driver hit the back of her squad car. She had abrasions all over her face, glass embedded in her arms, broken bones in both hands, several broken ribs, and tears in her lungs. Things were pretty touch and go for a while and she had a couple of surgeries, but is recuperating to this day at home, still in pain.
March 15: The following Wednesday, the Ides of March, blood was shed at work as 3 of the 9 people in my happy work group were axed -- er, "reactualized" -- and were sent home. This included my manager. The reason for the "reactualizion" is to consolidate the existing talents to work towards a better, more positive future for the company, but really the axings were solely based on personality conflicts and residual cliquism that should have been outgrown in high school.
March 21: Spouse found out that her best friend's mom passed away. Spouse went to the funeral on March 24 and was emotionally drained that whole day.
Today: So now it is up to me to weigh these events and their function in my life...for I do assume that there is a fateful pattern and "why" behind all that happens. I don't believe life is solely accidental...although it has its share of them.
Am I being punished for not following through on my vowed deadline? Or am I being punished for rejecting a job that would have made alternatives less practical? Must my family have to suffer along with me -- or worse: suffer for me? As I wend my way through the new pattern my life has developed, I am trying to discern the meaning behind that pattern.
Until next time, beware my dread presence. Do not make eye contact with me or speak to me if you don't want ill to befall you and yours. I am unclean.
1 comment:
If you're saying you're "drrrty," count me in. ;)
What is the deadline you speak of? Was February 28th supposed to bring forth a shift in your life? If so, what was it going to be?
And by the way, if *you* are being punished, what the heck is happening to me? I can count all of the above in my recent past, and I raise you one "disowning."
Sometimes, when I think about it, I am truly scared.
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