Football and FOOTball

Yesterday was a series of chores and busywork waiting for the real purpose of the day: televised football.

Finally, evening came and the family watched as our esteemed Longhorns crushed the hapless University of Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns, 60-3. This should have been a great thing, right? Nope. I decided to spend much of the game in the yard, finishing my handcrafted weed-eating of the grass tufts on the periphery of my lawn. I chose to worship nature over worshipping Longhorns because:

1. Louisiana was devastated by Katrina the Monday before. How can we relish humiliating them?

2. And, yes, it’s humiliation when you keep your first string quarterback in despite leading the opposition by 40 points. Why would you keep Vince Young in? Lack of confidence in your second string? Lack of desire to hone the skills of your backups? Granted, many of the less visible positions had the second string on the field prior to Vince taking a break, but Vince’s presence was glaring and odious.

3. This was the first game of the season and I have to ease into the morass of obnoxious commercials that have brief moments of football floating in between. Have you ever wondered what the nubile, gyrating girls on beer commercials have to do with beer? Do you know many (any?) attractive women who guzzle beer regularly? Of course not. Those sylphs in the commercials aren’t drinking the beer; they're the form taken by women after you’ve been drinking beer. The man behind the curtain has been revealed. Be warned.

4. The scenes of beautiful Austin (shown between the moments of football and moments of advertisements) were soul-wrenching.

5. The game was meaningless. UT should have won, and effortlessly. However, next week the Longhorns take on the Ohio State Buckeyes for the first time ever. This clash between two of the biggest and most respected college football programs will be good theater. It will also be the first test of the Longhorns. I have faith in them; here’s hoping it’s not unfounded.

After the game, and thanks to DVR, I managed to watch a real football game with grand implications (and fewer commercials). The US Men’s National Soccer Team took on Mexico in their second meeting in the final round of World Cup Qualification. After a fairly uncreative -- but physical -- first half, the game opened up in the second. The U.S. took it to the undeservedly overconfident Tri-Colores, winning 2-0 (a score that should have been 3-0). With the win, the U.S. has qualified for the World Cup next year in Germany, and Mexico must earn a tie or a win in its final three qualifying matches -- which is should do by Wednesday.

It is unfortunate that ignorance and regional chauvinism combined to make this significant sporting event largely unnoticed by the American public, who are for the most part lost in their habitual opiates.

The U.S. continues the WCQ matches when it travels to Guatemala on Wednesday, September 7. Not needing a win, the U.S. can rest its veterans and test the mettle of other players who might become instrumental in our quest to win the World Cup.

Beating the world at their own game. Now THAT’s exciting theater.

But this coming Saturday? Hook ‘em.